Here are the top 10 ways to maintain a terrible relationship with food:
- Set insane goals! An great example is: I want to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks so I can ROCK this bikini at Barbie's pool party!
- Go big or go home. Your mentality should be all-or-nothing. Keep phrases in mind like: "one brownie = total failure," or "must run 5 miles every day, rain or shine, pneumonia or renal stones."
- Be hard core! Moderation is seriously for wimps. When you chose your "diet," the best ones are the extreme ones. Anything less probably won't work. Examples: only-water-lemon-cayenne pepper-honey, or all-bacon-beef-boiled eggs.
- Monitor! Monitor! Monitor. Weigh yourself ALL the time. If you want to meet your goals you must be conscious of your stats. How much do you weigh this morning? How about this afternoon? Count those Calories. Track your energy expenditure--carefully!
- Talk the talk: Diets to look for are ones with words like: ancient, hormone balancing, fat banishing, breakthrough, cure, easy/effortless, exotic, fast, guaranteed, magical, miraculous, mysterious, new discovery, quick, secret. (So if you combine this guideline with number three, you should be doing the "breakthrough water/lemon/cayenne pepper/honey only fat-banishing diet.")
- Start *everything* tomorrow. Remember to enjoy your favorite foods before you "start your diet." And when you start, start everything at once.
- Use guilt for good! Why does guilt even exist if you can't benefit from it? Think things like: this lasagna is bad and if I eat it I'll end up looking like [insert person's name].
- Glass half empty. Half empty sounds more conducive to weight loss, does it not? Motivate yourself with negativity. You're a hater, after all. Stick to it! Call yourself mean names when you fall off your insane diet. You probably fell off it because you're pathetic. But tomorrow, you can start the blueberry-only diet and not act like such an idiot this time.
- Every party has a pooper. Avoid social gatherings. They'll mess up your incredibly designed diet.
- Every pooper has a party. There are actually only nine ways to have a terrible relationship with food. :-P
Bottom line: You too can have a terrible relationship with food. You can spend your life worried about dieting, restrictions, losing weight, image, getting fat, etc. You just have to set your mind to it.
Disclaimer: Sorry about the extreme sarcasm, but if any of this actually sounds vaguely like you, you may have a few things to think about with regard to your relationship with food.
